Helping Someone You Care About
A gentle guide for supporting someone who may be experiencing abuse.
What you may be noticing
Abuse is not always physical. It can include control, fear, threats, monitoring, isolation, financial restriction, stalking, sexual pressure, or using children or pets to control someone.
You may notice that they:
Seem afraid of their partner or ex-partner
Cancel plans, withdraw from people, or seem closely monitored
Need permission to spend money, go places, work, or use their phone
Are blamed for everything or constantly put down
Have been threatened, stalked, or pressured after trying to leave
Seem anxious about children, pets, housing, immigration, or finances
Tell you something feels unsafe, even if they do not call it abuse
Trust the concern, but do not force them to label their experience before they are ready. Abuse can include coercive control, stalking, emotional abuse, financial abuse, and technology-facilitated monitoring, not only physical violence.
How to support them safely
The best support is steady, respectful, and led by them.
Listen without judging, blaming, or rushing them
Say: “I believe you.” “You do not deserve this.” “I am here when you need me.”
Ask what would feel helpful instead of deciding for them
Offer practical support, such as childcare, groceries, a ride, pet care, or a safe place to make calls
Respect their privacy and do not share their story without permission
Help them connect with a shelter, crisis line, counsellor, legal clinic, or trusted local support when they are ready
Keep checking in gently, even if they stay or return to the relationship
Support without blame can reduce isolation and help someone feel safer reaching out for help.
Things to avoid saying:
These phrases can increase shame, pressure, or danger:
“Why don’t you just leave?”
“I would never put up with that.”
“You need to call the police right now.”
“I am going to confront them.”
“You have to do what I say.”
“You keep going back, so you must want this.”
Replace them with:
“I am worried about your safety, but I will not judge you.”
“What would help you feel safer right now?”
“Would it be okay if I shared a support option with you?”
“You are not alone, and you deserve support.”
Create a safer connection
Before you text, call, visit, or send resources, ask what is safe.
Ask whether it is safe to call, text, email, or leave voicemails
Use a neutral message if needed, such as “Thinking of you” or “Want to grab coffee?”
Agree on a code word or phrase that means “I need help” or “Call me when it is safe”
Do not send abuse-related links, screenshots, or messages if their device may be monitored
Ask whether children or pets need to be included in any safety plan
Offer to keep copies of important documents, emergency contacts, medication lists, or spare keys only if they ask you to
Do not confront, threaten, or warn the abusive person. That can escalate danger.
A safety plan can be useful even when someone is not ready or able to leave. It should be based on what is safest for them and their children.
When to seek urgent help
Call 911 immediately if there is immediate danger or someone may be seriously harmed.
Urgent warning signs can include:
Strangulation, choking, or pressure to the neck
Threats to kill, harm children, harm pets, or use a weapon
A weapon being present or mentioned
Stalking, escalating threats, or forced confinement
A serious assault, sexual assault, or medical emergency